forthebook's Diaryland Diary



I'm breaking up with one of the best people I've ever known and the probably the best boyfriend I've ever had. We've been together for more than six years, lived together for five of them, and have this whole life we were plotting out and building together. And I'm still not entirely sure what's wrong. I keep saying things like "it's off" or that "I'm not happy," but honestly I'm not sure why. For a long time I just kept thinking that it was because we'd been together so long -- the longest consecutive-year relationship I've had for sure -- and that I was just getting complacent or maybe a little bored. But things were good. We have fun. He lets me be me. He loves my dog. But things were off. And I'm not happy. And I waited a year to say something.

So now I'm 34 and have to find a place to live and explain to everyone why I decided to blow my life up. I mean I know this is better. And that I don't really owe anyone an explanation, except him. I can't stay and pretend forever and the longer that goes, the worse it'll be. This just sucks. It sucks because I still care about him. It sucks because I don't really understand it myself. It sucks because I'm doing this really scary thing without a safety net. It sucks because I feel like he thinks he messed up or ruined us. But I think I did somehow. Or maybe we both did. Or maybe neither of us did and we just had longer together than we should have. It breaks my heart to do this to him, to make him feel like he should have been better when he's been so great (and I've dated some really not great people so I know), to make him think that he's not good enough. I feel like I'm not the one good enough; just still the same broken person who will never be whole enough to have a normal relationship.

I've been doing this dumb thing that led me back to Diaryland. I've been feverishly hunting for my GirlBoy list because I know it's somewhere but teenage me wrote hundreds of fricking entries and the keyword search doesn't seem to be working. And I don't know why. I guess I want to know if it will make me feel better or if it will make me feel like I threw everything away for nothing. As if some stupid list I wrote about qualities I want in a partner at an age where I had never even been through a real, adult relationship will tell me something about my decisions nearly two decades later. I know that sounds really stupid, and yet I still want to do it. Also, teenage me was so painfully emo and yet hopeful and excited. And definitely depressed that entire time. That's another entry though, I suppose.

I think the only thing that is making me feel a little better even if I still don't really believe it yet is this exert from a Dear Sugar column:

Go, even though you love him.

Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.

Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.

Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.

Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.

Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.

Go, even though you once said you would stay.

Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.

Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.

Go, even though there is nowhere to go.

Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.

Go, because you want to.

Because wanting to leave is enough.

3:01 p.m. - 2018-10-08


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