forthebook's Diaryland Diary


Revelations (not that one)


I'm sitting here drunk in my living room listening to old ass music on my old ass iPod Nano, which for whatever godforsaken reason still works like I just got it yesterday, and REVELATION.

I've always thought that I've had this weird connection with guys where I couldn't let go or, as in therapy I've said, I "can't close the door," where I gravitate back to the same round of people over and over. But it's not that. It's that I just was always too afraid to have a real conversation about what the fuck was wrong in our relationship and, therefore, it was never settled. Not because I was always still in some clandestine bullshit thing, but because I never deal with my feelings and so should have never broken up (necessarily). Rather, I should have had adult conversations about whatever the fuck was really going on so if we did break up, there would be real closure.

I was today years old when I realized this.


This does explain a lot.

9:59 p.m. - 2019-01-22


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