forthebook's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- old friends I had a talk with an old friend today; a girl I will call my best friend forever in my head, although she may not think the same of me anymore. I've pushed away from her and my little high school clique. I wanted to travel out and explore a different world, filled with different people who seemed so much more exciting. Or something. I guess? However, after months of searching my way through dark clubs and consuming large amounts of alcohol, I have come to realize that I am ill suited to that sort of lifestyle. I miss going bowling and standing around in parking lots talking about nothing and eating at Zippy's four times a week just because there's nothing better to do. I miss my friends who never expected me to do anything - the people who let me test my wings and when I abandoned them for more exotic horizens told me that they were happy I was having fun but missed me. I miss knowing people who accepted me no matter what I did and didn't reprimand me, didn't make me play stupid games or follow pointless protocols to prove my worth, my loyalty, my love. Stereotypical coming of age story, huh? The little girl who wanted to run away from her seemingly mundane life to try something that looked like so much fun from afar ... only to find that living the lifestyle cost way too much in terms of dignity and pride and giving away parts of yourself was so much easier in the strange, new world. I miss study sessions and making s'mores on the beach and shopping for something other than clothes to wear to the club. I feel like I'm six and I'm lost and I want to go back to them but I don't know if that's an option for me anymore. I want to lie on Keri's couch and throw pillows across the room. I want to sing karaoke, sober, at the top of my lungs, as off key as I can to hours worths of alternative music. I want to pull my group back together but I know that's just too hard. How childish to think that once disbanded, the group would continue on. I never thought I would leave but I did. 4:00 p.m. - 2004-08-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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