forthebook's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- old and new Now and again I enjoy retouching bases with my past, by this I mean I have dinner or a movie or a study night with one of my exes. There are a lot of boys out there who I have cared for, some I have loved and all who I have watched grow into men while they sat quietly by in the sidelines watching me grow into a young woman. I'm no longer very close with any of my exes but it always surprises me the way they know me, despite the weeks between emails or the months between phone calls or even the years between face to face meetings. With every single guy I have ever cared for, I gave them tiny parts of myself and we grew together a little or a lot. In my times of desperation and bitterness, I curse myself for giving those parts of me away to men who seemingly brushed me aside and were unworthy of such sacred gifts. However, whenever they surprise me by being just a little more insightful than I could ever imagine, it brings about a great fondness from deep within my heart where I still remember first kises, first dates and all the reasons I fell for them in the first place. And it makes me hopeful that I will be able to trust The Boyfriend in all the ways he really does already deserve to be trusted. I don't want to tell him about how I still adore every ex so. I don't want to tell him about how well they read me, feel me, know me without me uttering a single word. That's what he wants. He wants to know me and I can't reassure him that he will without first making him feel like he's not good enough to do so because he hasn't yet. It just takes time. That's what I tell him because it does. Every guy I've loved and cared for has gone through hell and back with me - they've seen me at my worst and picked me up until I was at my best. The Boyfriend will get there, I know he will and I will love him but I'm just not ready yet. 11:52 p.m. - 2004-10-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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