forthebook's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- times past I will not lie to myself. I am attracted to him. I love him in those deep, deep ways I always thought I would love my soulmate. That is why I fought for him all those months. That is why I let him lead me in so many misdirections that only ended in disappointment. No one ever made me happy the way he does. No one could ever make me smile the smile he brings out in me. It's like I can feel my entire body light up coyly and the problems are alleviated for just a few short minutes. He can do this with a look, he can do this with a five sentence email, he can do this with a two minute phone call. That was the greatest love of my lifetime. And perhaps it saddens me to think that I won't end up with him. And I know it would pain The Boyfriend greatly to know that the love of my life quite possibly could never be him. The further apart I grow from the guy, though, the more I realize that maybe I was supposed to stand my ground a little while longer. When he teases me about dating him, I know I'm half hopeful. When he brushes my shoulder or hugs me, every part screams for a second more of deliciously warm contact. When he says the word love, my heart still catches in my throat. And no one would ever suspect that it would be him who I would ever use the term soulmate about. It is not the guy I dated on and off for almost three years. It is not the guy who consumed my entire high school misadventures and I dubbed dreamboat. It was the quiet one I sacrificed everything for and no one ever really understood why. 11:45 p.m. - 2004-11-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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